“The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty.” Woody Allen

“Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn’t try it on.” Billy

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” Oscar Wilde

” I don’t believe in an afterlife, so I don’t have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse. ” Isaac Asimov

” Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -how passionately I hate them!” Albert Einstein

You should take a look at these quotes about life.

“My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.” Abraham Lincoln

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. ” George Burns

” The miracle is this – the more we share, the more we have.” Leonard Nimoy

“Yeah, I know I’m ugly…I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’ ” Rodney Dangerfield

“I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.”– (Horse Feathers, 1932) Groucho Marx

Why not take a look at these funny quotes about life.

“The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.” WC Fields

“Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day. ” Mickey Rooney

“In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought…I must put a roof on this lavatory. ” Les Dawson

“For me there are only two type of women: goddesses and doormats.” Pablo Picasso

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“The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job. ” Slappy White

“All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work. ” Steve Martin

“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” William Faulkner

“If you never want to see a man again, say, ‘I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children…’ – they leave skid marks.” Rita Rudner

“My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. ” Tim Allen

“The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. ” Robert Benchley

Take a look through these samples of quotes about life.

“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” Robin Williams

“A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. ” Robert Frost

“The fact that no one understands you doesn’t make you an artist. ” Anonymous

“Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. ” Ken Dodd

Or take a selection of these good quotes about life.

“I remember a time when everybody I loved hated me because I hated them.” John Lennon in a Letter to Stuart Sutcliffe circa 1960

“The music business was not safe, but it was FUN. It was like falling in love with a woman you know is bad for you, but you love every minute with her, anyway.” Lionel Richie

“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.” Ray Romano

“I’ve been in the twilight of my career longer than most people have had a career. ” Martina Navratilova

“I haven’t had any experience with UFO’s, but paranormal life seems to be all around me…I grew up on the lower east side of New York.” David Duchovny

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“When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile.” George Burns (Just you and me Kid, 1979)

“People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it’s more about the state of your body. ” Jeffrey Parfitt

“The age of a woman doesn’t mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles. ” Ralph Waldo Emerson

“The General was essentially a man of peace, except of course in his domestic affairs.” Oscar Wilde

Take a look through the selection of quotes about life.

“My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.” Roseanne Barr

“If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.” Johnny Carson

“A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.” Duane Dewel

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” Phyllis Diller

Or take a look at these acute quotes about life.

“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” Michel De Montaigne

“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” Oscar Wilde

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” Will Rogers

“My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there’s hardly any difference.” Harry S. Truman

“Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don’t understand, such as working for a living.” P. J. O’Rourke

“Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” Will Rogers

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